I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
