i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
