Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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