who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
