Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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