I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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