roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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