life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
