you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
