I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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