weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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