I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Apparently you make a good broom.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
