Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
