so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
