Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
