his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
