As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
