I am puke
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
