yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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