when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
