Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
