How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
