I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
