Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
