I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
