Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
