why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
