So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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