God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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