everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
