Kiss
Puke
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
