4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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