Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
