so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
