im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
