I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
