My friends, they love my intelligence
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
