Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
