i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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