there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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