i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
