My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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