I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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