I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
