This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
