Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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