I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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