I cannot find my penis.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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