Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
