rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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