Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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