I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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