I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
